Hi. I’m from 1992.

No, I’m not talking about my birth year.  That would make me a tiny baby, and I’m definitely not that.  Besides, I’m a married lady now (I love saying “married lady.” It makes me sound really old, but really awesome)!

I have 7 weddings to attend this year (so far), and although it seems to be quite a lot, a good friend of mine said, “how amazing, what a blessing!” And it really changed my way of thinking.  Instead of worrying about how much it’s going to cost–who the heck cares!! It’s a WEDDING, and it’s love, celebrated!!  And what better way to have an excuse to dress up…right?  So I have forever been transformed, and with a dear friends wedding this weekend, I have been forced into thinking the eternal question of all women alike, “But what am I going to wearrrr??”  

I really do love this question, because for me, it’s the worlds greatest challenge.  What will I wear?  Not sure yet.  I have a dress being altered at this very moment, and hopefully it will be ready on Friday…but this is all nonsense.  This is not the point of my post.  The point of this post is to bring up something much more important than weddings and What Not To Wear.

Let me begin my story by saying that I was searching/browsing for shoes.  I have plenty of shoes, but I just so happened to be–let me say it again–BROWSING (this part of course is for Husband).  Oh!  Free People, how beautiful you have been the past 2 years…let me see what YOU have to offer me….ladee lahhh…OOOOHHHHhhhhh!! Lookie here!!

YOU BEAUTIFUL THING YOU.  Ugh, no more of my size.  Good thing.  Find them here for yourself.  If you have a tranny foot…lucckkyyyy….

CUUUTTE!!  Dolce Vita!  Here.

And these?!  How sweet.  Madison Harding. Here.

As I continue to browse and look at pretty platforms, I come across THEEEESE:

<GASP, CHOKE, COUGH, YELL>

BIRKENSTOCKS?!!!

I CAN’T SCREAM ANY LOUDER…ARREEE YYOOUUU KIDDING MMEEE??!!!!!  Hi.  I’m from 1992, AND I’M HIDEOUS.

I mean, honestly.  I will almost say that they are so beat, that I might consider buying them.  These shoes have memories.  Memories!!  And stench!!  Attached to them!  I had GREEN ONES!! And I wore them after soccer practice in elementary school!!!

I apologize for all the shouting.  Allow me to take a minute to get it together.

Remember that scene in “Anchorman” where Christina Applegate’s character Veronica Corningstone tries to calm herself down by heavily breathing in through her nose while exhaling: “powwerrrr….poowerrr.”  That’s what I just had to do.

I’m just gonna wrap this sucker up by saying, REALLY Free People?  How much “free-er” can you get than big, huge, open, swollen fat feet sandals?  GAH.  Those are not stylish. No, no they are not.  How dare you try and trick your beloved customers into thinking that this MIGHT be a trend??? I would have to say, this is crossing the line.  Most definitely.  I refuse to believe in such devastatingly forced trickery.  And may I remind you, that no one from that era survived being pretty.  Nope.  Everyone was beat (except for maybe Kelly Kapowski).

To end this momentum of ranting, I will close by showing a real horsepower-of-a-woman, someone who would NEVER be caught even 300 miles away on her shared yacht with Jay-Z & friends chit-chatting with a “stylish” lady wearing The Birks.

Here she is, in all her fabulousness glory….