Goodie Goodie Gum Drops.

There was a time in my past when I didn’t own a full length mirror.  Actually–I STILL DON’T OWN ONE and it’s been a couple of years.  How is this possible you say?  It broke while moving, and I never replaced it.  I swear I went to Target to buy one for at least 3 weeks, and every time I went (several locations mind you), they were sold out.  SOLD OUT!!!  Isn’t that insane?! Well, what’s more insane, is that I haven’t had one in a loooong time and I work in RETAIL.  Not having a reflective device is usually my excuse when I’m wearing something atrocious and I get to work and take a looksie and realize, OH DEAR LORD, I’m extremely uncomfortable now. 

This unfortunately sort of happened to me today.  Yes I had other choices this morning, but it was dark, and it was raining, so I chose the longer sleeved striped top instead of the basic black short sleeve. Oh well; it was fine and now I’m home, so whatever.  I don’t have any pictures to show of  it–I know, you’re disappointed–but only because it really wasn’t THAT bad.  I was just awkward all day because it wasn’t quite me. Womp womp.

BUUTTT…the successful part about this post is that it reminded me of one of the greatest outfits of all time.  And THIS I do have a picture of.

Back in the day, I would get up even earlier than I do now (for the most part), and during that time in the fall, it’s creepier than The Dark Crystal outside.  My bedroom must have been ill-lighted that morning, because for some reason, I chose to experiment with several different items all together to create one schizo ensemble.  Why couldn’t I have put on a simple dress with tights?  Or jeans and a t-shirt?  Hmmpf?  Or even just left my hair alone and put boots on instead?

No one can answer these questions.

So, the story goes like this:

I show up to work, take a look at myself in the mirror, probably apologize to my team, but then I proceed to own it most of the day.  Then lunch time comes around and a co-worker (and still great friend) asks to take a picture of me.  At this point, I realize that maybe I really wasn’t owning it (they were all holding back extreme laughter) and I REALLY DO look ridiculous.  I allow her the photo. She posts it on MYSPACE–you heard me–MYSPACE, and I freak out telling her to take it down.  She finds this hysterical because I tried to act like the outfit was okay–when I knew it was horrendous.  The end of the story is, she KEPT IT this whole time, and I just yesterday asked her to send it to me, so I could post it for all the world to see.

Phew.  This is great.  I’m cleaning out the skeletons folks.  Excuse the quality, since this was years ago, and she took it with her Nokia.  BBAAAHAHAHAHA.

Here I am:

Exceptional!  Let’s break this down.

1. Red 80s flats that make your feet look extra long.  Check.

2. Purple ankle-length pants.  Check.

3. Dirty man-tee that’s too baggy around the waist and but tight around the bootie.  Check.

4. Zack Morris peach wind-breaker.  Check.

5. Oh! Don’t forget it’s cold outside.  Printed green and cream scarf around your neck.  Check.

6. Fantastic.  Nothing like topping it off with a nice floral hair piece to pull the whole look together.  Off-white-home-made-faux-flower-hair-comb.  Check.

Wasn’t that fun?!!!  If you ever need advice on how to wear several items at once, I suggest you print this list out and keep it in your wallet for safe keeping.  In fact, print out THE PICTURE in case you’re a visual person, like me.

I’ll probably never get this image out of my head, however, I WILL probably re-create something like this by accident someday.  Hopefully then another friend will be there to take a photo of me.  I should start a collection.  I do have some old pics from 7th grade I could share……

Wouldn’t you like to see!!!!  Muuahh ahhh ahhh….

Posted in Comedy, Fashion, Los Angeles, Styling, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

It’s a new day.

My last two posts have been quite the experiment, if I do say so myself.  It seems that people really enjoy looking at beastly beings.  I mean, who doesn’t enjoy looking at People of Walmart every now and then to brighten their mood?  I mean, take a look at this:

Doesn’t this give you a giggle?  It does for me.

I have received mixed reviews from readers about my choice to post homely photos of myself.  Some enjoyed them because they know me, as I can be quite the goofball sometimes. Some gave me the “You go girl!” feminism power nod.  And then there was the few that turned the nose right up into the air and said, “Ew.  Simply disturbing.”

Just kidding.  No one said that.

However, my besty did tell me through a text that I was “hurting her feelings.”  HAHA. And Husband did proclaim that Day 2 was much harder to look at than Day 1.  Hey, if I look a little grisly now and then, GOOD FOR ME.  I think it’s hilarious!  Not so sure Husband finds it amusing.  I wish I had more daytime available to always post pictures like that.  Maybe I should do before and afters??  Start a new thing for Donut Soup??

To prove to everyone that I’m not some lifeless troll who lives on the couch watching “So You Think You Can Dance,” refusing to get up to even use the bathroom because they’re too comfortable (that always never happens), while eating cottage cheese with Tapatio–I’m showing you THESE.

Tada!!  It’s me!!  Back to life!!  And in a FABULOUS kaftan that my lovely friend Emily bought me at a thrift warehouse.  I should have steamed the thing, but whoops–no time.

ANNDD I dyed my hair yesterday.  It wasn’t the only thing that needed a lift!

Gotta love that side split.

Hand it to Van Halen for writing “Jump!”  Because somehow, that was the first thing that came to my mind when I was looking for a tagline.  Weird.  I don’t even listen to Van Halen.

The embroidery on this thing is outrageous.

And even better–THE TAG!!  I never looked at it until now, and it just makes me the happiest of ladies.  MIDNIGHT VELVET?!  How sleazy.  And oh so wonderful.

I hope this post calms the nerves of some of you…but don’t get too relaxed folks. Saturday morning is just around the corner.  Perhaps another disgraceful mug shot will appear???? You’ll never know…

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Day 2

Dearest readers.  I shall not disappoint you today.

I have completed another overnight, thus leaving me with the most ruthless case of hideousness one’s ever known.  All I can think about is how unfortunate it is that I haven’t thought of documenting one’s ugly days before.  There could have been SO MANY updates!  Ah well.  What can you do.

Since I was so out of it this morning afternoon when I muddled out of my bedroom, I forgot to take a side proaf (aka: profile. Do I really have to spell out my abbreviations???) of myself.  Believe it or not, these two photos were pretty much a one take shot.  I mean, when you can NAIL a pic like these in one sweep…it’s just showing you how easy it is for me to be so professional.  I get the job done right–the first time.

Alright, well, there’s no real explanation needed.  Here you go:

Minus the glasses.  I’m surprised I’m actually looking into the camera since I could barely see the thing.  Hahaha.  P.S. IM BLIND.

Yes, that’s make-up under my eyes.  This picture screams, “how you doin’?”  Doesn’t it? Or is it more of that sexy-Tina-Fey-librarian-thing?  I can’t decide.

I’d really like to show you all how nicely I can clean up, but it’s not as eventful OR fun.  I doubt I’ll be feeling up to putting myself together today, but if I do, you’ll be the first to know.  Now on to: The Bachelorette.  YYeessssss.

Posted in Comedy, Fashion, Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Inappropriate?

In honor of looking beat, here’s a little ditty that made me stare for 30 seconds before actually figuring out what it was.

No, that lady is NOT naked, it’s her friend’s chubby arm.  Get it?

BBAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Thanks Nina for emailing me with such a gem.

Posted in Comedy | 1 Comment

Beat.

I guess you could say I’m doing this because after working an overnight shift last night into this morning, I feel completely uninspired and exhausted.  For those of you who have worked an overnight, or many at that, know exactly what I mean.  Why is it that working the same amount of hours, during a different time of day can make you feel so….hideous?  Yes, I love the word hideous.  I use it often.  It’s so perfect for days like this!  You’ll see what I mean….

So as I lift my cemented body out of bed and into the daylight of my living room, I turn my computer on and force myself to find SOMETHING inspiring to write about today.  I figure, hey, you know what?  I have “the day off,” I’m going to take advantage of this and give Donut Soup a little love.  Boy do I have something in store for you all.

After about 2 hours of perusing every website I haven’t had time to catch up on, I still feel hopeless.  Yeah, yeah…all these ladies and gents blog about FASHION, and discuss what they’re wearing, and where they’re going.  They’re cute, sometimes even very attractive, and guess what.  I’M BORED.  Is anyone out there doing anything different?  No.  It’s extremely frustrating.  And not to head off on any kind of rant, but yes, sometimes taking the “fashion” route seems easy and fun.  Don’t get me wrong, I just ADORE sharing my fancy Souper Sweets when I hit up a good thrift store and come home with too many treats to just hide to myself…but, it’s all the same.  Isn’t it?

Well today my friends, I’ve decided that since yesterday I began my sugar cleanse (yes, no sweets for 5 weeks–I can do it!!), I must be on some kind of psycho adrenaline, because I’m going to share with you WHAT I LOOK LIKE TODAY.  And it’s not pretty.  I won’t be washing my face, nor putting on any make-up until I have to go to work, and that’s at 9pm tonight.  SOOOO.  Maybe I’ll take another fantastic photo later to show you that I’m off my crazy pills and feeling a little lighter.  Hmm?

Great.  Here I am, in all my splendor.

I think there might even be fuzz in my hair.

Well folks, there you have it.  This t-shirt is literally from my friend Kelsey (Souper #7??) who gave it to me when we were in high school, because when she wore it in JUNIOR HIGH, I loved it, and always wanted it.  Thanks Kelsey.  Now you see how I really do it justice.  And aren’t those baggy mom-jeans just the ticket?

Husband is going to be so proud of me after this post.  In fact, I’m sure there will be flowers waiting for me on our dining table when I return home tomorrow morning at 6am.  I know what everyone’s thinking.  He’s one LUCKY guy.  Can you imagine how hard it must be to try and deflect my luminous charm everyday??  GAH.  Rough life buddy.

Well, if I’m feeling up to it, there might be a rebuttal tomorrow.  HA.  Eat your heart out fashion bloggers.  There’s a new heartthrob in town.

Posted in Fashion, Los Angeles, Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Hi. I’m from 1992.

No, I’m not talking about my birth year.  That would make me a tiny baby, and I’m definitely not that.  Besides, I’m a married lady now (I love saying “married lady.” It makes me sound really old, but really awesome)!

I have 7 weddings to attend this year (so far), and although it seems to be quite a lot, a good friend of mine said, “how amazing, what a blessing!” And it really changed my way of thinking.  Instead of worrying about how much it’s going to cost–who the heck cares!! It’s a WEDDING, and it’s love, celebrated!!  And what better way to have an excuse to dress up…right?  So I have forever been transformed, and with a dear friends wedding this weekend, I have been forced into thinking the eternal question of all women alike, “But what am I going to wearrrr??”  

I really do love this question, because for me, it’s the worlds greatest challenge.  What will I wear?  Not sure yet.  I have a dress being altered at this very moment, and hopefully it will be ready on Friday…but this is all nonsense.  This is not the point of my post.  The point of this post is to bring up something much more important than weddings and What Not To Wear.

Let me begin my story by saying that I was searching/browsing for shoes.  I have plenty of shoes, but I just so happened to be–let me say it again–BROWSING (this part of course is for Husband).  Oh!  Free People, how beautiful you have been the past 2 years…let me see what YOU have to offer me….ladee lahhh…OOOOHHHHhhhhh!! Lookie here!!

YOU BEAUTIFUL THING YOU.  Ugh, no more of my size.  Good thing.  Find them here for yourself.  If you have a tranny foot…lucckkyyyy….

CUUUTTE!!  Dolce Vita!  Here.

And these?!  How sweet.  Madison Harding. Here.

As I continue to browse and look at pretty platforms, I come across THEEEESE:

<GASP, CHOKE, COUGH, YELL>

BIRKENSTOCKS?!!!

I CAN’T SCREAM ANY LOUDER…ARREEE YYOOUUU KIDDING MMEEE??!!!!!  Hi.  I’m from 1992, AND I’M HIDEOUS.

I mean, honestly.  I will almost say that they are so beat, that I might consider buying them.  These shoes have memories.  Memories!!  And stench!!  Attached to them!  I had GREEN ONES!! And I wore them after soccer practice in elementary school!!!

I apologize for all the shouting.  Allow me to take a minute to get it together.

Remember that scene in “Anchorman” where Christina Applegate’s character Veronica Corningstone tries to calm herself down by heavily breathing in through her nose while exhaling: “powwerrrr….poowerrr.”  That’s what I just had to do.

I’m just gonna wrap this sucker up by saying, REALLY Free People?  How much “free-er” can you get than big, huge, open, swollen fat feet sandals?  GAH.  Those are not stylish. No, no they are not.  How dare you try and trick your beloved customers into thinking that this MIGHT be a trend??? I would have to say, this is crossing the line.  Most definitely.  I refuse to believe in such devastatingly forced trickery.  And may I remind you, that no one from that era survived being pretty.  Nope.  Everyone was beat (except for maybe Kelly Kapowski).

To end this momentum of ranting, I will close by showing a real horsepower-of-a-woman, someone who would NEVER be caught even 300 miles away on her shared yacht with Jay-Z & friends chit-chatting with a “stylish” lady wearing The Birks.

Here she is, in all her fabulousness glory….

Posted in Fashion, Los Angeles, Shopping, Uncategorized, Videos | 2 Comments

Indian Princess

Oh good heavens.  I went back in time for a second and read all my previous posts.  It looks as though I was pretty inconsistent!  Haa!!  Whoopsies.  Yes, I know.  The last time I posted was in JANUARY.  January!!  Please forgive me, as I was just starting a brand new job, and I dunno….making a LIFE LONG COMMITMENT TO FIANCE.

If you didn’t know…

I GOT MARRIED!!  YIPPPEEE!!  Not only did Fiance and I get married (oh, I guess his name changed too–Husband?), but we took a lovely trip to colorful India for our honeymoon.  It was honestly indescribable.  So many colors, spices, people–noises–it was vibrant with life in the least. I have put together a small collection of photographs for all to enjoy.  Believe me, there are TONS more, but this was my way of not boring anyone with 536 pictures of strangers.  I am not a photographer, but I’d like to think that some of these turned out quite lovely!  I might just have to frame some!

I also have some pictures of the wedding to share with people who are not able to see them through the good ‘ol Facespace (Ritournelle Blog, that means you love), along with a very special video performance….consider this blog post my wedding update, even though I could have been sharing with you this info months ago.  🙂  C’monnnnn.  Give me a break!

Before we begin, these are just photos from iPhones and other cameras that just so happened to grasp some good shots.  Unfortunately, I don’t believe there are many of Husband, because well–boys don’t take photos and I wasn’t with him until after we were married.  The REAL profesh hired photographer photos are coming real soon.  Those I will gladly post as soon as they are here!! I’ve seen some previews and they are AMAZING.

Ok, now that I have the disclaimer out of the way…let’s begin, shall we?

Wedding first…The Horizon Hotel in Palm Springs, California.  The weather report said rain all week (the reason I chose the desert is simply because IT.DOES.NOT.RAIN.), so you could imagine my discomfort when it was pouring on our way out there.  Oh–what’s that God??  You love me and you’re going to move the clouds and terrible weather aside just in time??????  THAT HAPPENED.  Pure joy.

Both of these beautiful images are from my friend Natalie…thanks Nat!!  So amazing!

My dad and father-in-law.  I like to call this picture: The Dads.  Fitting, right?

My good friend and photographer Bradley Johnson (who also took our engagement pictures) snuck in right before I went to walk down the aisle–yes, like a papparazzo–and took this of me standing in the bathroom.  I was a little nervous and very excited at this moment…

My besty and Maid of Honor made a few of these fun collages for me with some iPhone app called Diptic??  Be careful how you say it–words can fly.  Haha…I don’t know what the program is, but it makes great little pieces!

This is her!

The in-laws!!

One of my most favorite pictures of the day…my fam-bam!  We look GOOOOD.  Not gonna lie.  I’m the oldest of 3 goyles…the youngest on the left and the middle on the right. Aren’t they beautiful??!!!  Even my parents are killing it…hahaha!

Another photo by Bradley.

I mean, Natalie…really?!  This is amazing…mine and Husbands first dance.  I don’t have any pictures of the ceremony yet, but that’s because everyone taking photos was paying attention to the wedding. DUH.  Ceremony pics will be alive and well once the REAL pics come in.

The dessert bar nearly empty!

Yup.  You don’t have to rub your eyes.  This is legit.  I SANG to Husband at our reception. Even better, it was filmed and put on YouTube (thanks Josh).

Here ya go:

You’re welcome.  YES, that’s the Jagged Edge and Remarqable Remix “Let’s Get Married.” It just so happened that Russell Simmons has the same last name as me and decided to rap about it.  I couldn’t help having one of the groomsmen act as him and sing about me…now could I??  It just HAD to be done.

Ok ok…on to India.  We flew into Mumbai, then traveled to Udaipur (amazing little city), then to Kollam, Kumily (our hotel was in a jungle atmosphere, so awesome), Kovalum (the beach!) and back up to Mumbai to fly home.

Our room key.

My FAVE.  This one I have to frame.

What a gift!!  Husband surprised me by having us stay at the most incredible hotel called The Lake Palace.

We brought home so many spices!

We took a bamboo raft trip on the reservoir.

Husband went surfing!!

We met up with our good friend Bjorn while he was just traveling through Mumbai…and no, he’s not Indian.  He just looks like it.  HAHAHAHAHA.

And there you have it.  I hope you all feel caught up…I sure do.  While I’m now kept busy by playing “house wife,” I am getting back into the swing of all things normal.  Working, grocery shopping, not ignoring my friends, infusing vodka, watching Glee, blogging…you know, only the important things.

Thanks for not giving up on me–well–maybe some of you have, but it’s okay!!  I don’t blame you!!  I think I might run into Megan Morrow sooner rather than later, so maybe I’ll get that Souper #8 column ready….

Until next time!!!

Posted in Photography, Travel, Uncategorized, Vacation, Wedding, Youtube | 3 Comments